Frankies, 60

So we drive to the house. I brought a book and my phone and my phone charger. My friends and I have been working on an rpg campaign similar to dnd but instead of dungeons and dragons it’s zombies and death. Idk just stuff to pass time. I’m very involved in it but that’s something I’ll bring up later and why progress today was ass. I went inside and I sat on the couch.

Lovely (my aunt) she said hi to me, asked a couple questions and then made a comment on “teenagers and their phones” and I was like 😐. And then my uncle terry (he’s her husband), he came inside and said hi. I didn’t know he was talking to me so I kept typing on my phone and he said “HI” and I was like “oh sorry, hello” and I’m very quiet, I stutter a lot in situations u genuinely do not wanna be in. And so it was just those two. I ate a little bit, and then I sat back in the couch.

Soon more people are coming to the party, and things are getting a little bit loud. You know there’s more people more commotion. Mind you I didn’t even wanna be there because isnt there a global pandemic going on? I was literally the only one with a mask, that shits bonkers never again. So I was just avoiding people. And then I migrated to the kitchen to get a plate of food and I sat down.

Now. Here’s where shit gets wild.

My style is not the usual. I dress alternatively. Spiked chokers, dark clothes, but also rainbows. But today I was wearing a a grey t-shirt that said “send noods” and had a picture of noodles, black paints with 3 chains on my hip, my belt, my combat boots and a spiked choker (but I wore the one with small spikes thinking they wouldn’t say anything, I was wrong)

I sit down and bam “why are you wearing a dog collar” I’m just like 😐 “it’s a choker” and my aunt robin (my grandmas sister) she goes “oh I’m sorry I’m not up to date on the fashion trends” and then aunt lovely starts touching my hair (I’m African American and wore my hair in my normal afro. I had it in Bantu knots so my hair was extra curly and moisturized today) and aunt robin was like “her hair is probably super dry, like always she never takes care of it” and I’m like “I’m right here bitch 😁” but in my head because I don’t even have the guts to carry a conversation you think imma call her a bitch. And my aunt lovely is like “nah it’s moisturized” and then she asked me what I used and I said “I don’t know my grandma gave it to me” and Rn green she kept pressing me into thinking about it and I just said “it’s thid olive oil cream” and she was like “green top” and I was like “yep” meanwhile my aunt robin is making remarks about my appearance which didn’t make me feel amazing.

Fast forward through them trying to talk to me and saying rude shit while I’m right there.

Uncle homie (my dads brother) sits don’t right next to me. Idfk what’s up with him but he had this weird need to socialize with me and interview me on all my life’s choices every time I see him and it’s so fucking annoying. And I’m just like 😆 please stfu and leave me alone.

He sits there and my heart drops. I can’t get up because I have a soda I front of me and clearly the cup isn’t empty. And for some reason my body said “you can’t get up unless you finish the soda” and i was like “please leave me alone” inside my head because I really don’t like talking to him.

And bam. “Hey Alexis how’s it going” “oh I’m alright” and then him and this fucking slang. Half the time I have 0 clue what he’s saying. He goes.

“Alexis do you have any day 1s”

And I’m like “what?”

“Any day 1s”

“I don’t know what that is”

“Oh my god. 🙄 do you have any friends”

“Uh I geuss.”

“Who’s the oldest friend you have”

“Uh I don’t know maybe elliott”

“How long have y’all been friends”

“Uh two years”

And then he goes. “What music do you listen too?”

“Uh I don’t know”

Mind you I can’t fucking think straight because he’s literally chewing like a fucking cow. Like seriously don’t talk with your mouth full of food especially macaroni. The texture of macaroni is alreayd bad enough but the sound of chewing macaroni literally makes me want to stab my ears. Anyway. He’s trying to ask about music and then I’m like

“Uh I just listen to a bunch of songs that I like”

“Like?”

“Uh I don’t know let me look”

“What do you mean you don’t know.”

“Uh well I geuss I listen to 100 gecs, Rico nasty, Tyler the creator”

And then he cuts me off and goes

“Do you listen to Megan the stallion”

And I’m like

“No”

“What about cardi B”

“Uh no but I do like her personality”

“What do you mean you like her personality, what kind of answer is that”

And then he starts laughing and I don’t know what’s so funny but it kinda made me feel like annoyed?

Anyway he then asks what do I do.

I go “Uh I don’t know”

“Do you watch any movies, what type of movies are you watching”

“Uh i don’t know i don’t really watch tv like that. I was watching devilman crybaby”

But then I remembered that devilman crybaby has a lot of tits ass and literal fucking so when he asked me again cuz I geuss he can’t hear I said “uh I geuss I watch kakeguri.”

And then uncle terry walks in and says “leave The poor girl alone she clearly not interested in talking to you” which yes! Yes! This guy gets it please leave me alone. But noooooo he just had to keep talking.

He then starts yelling at me, and then at my uncle and then next thing I know everyone’s yelling and so many people are talking and yellling and I can hear their voice and just barley make out words and it was so conjumbled. I was rubbing my thumb and pressing my tongue to roof of my mouth because I didn’t wanna cry. Loud noises are very overwhelming for me. And my dad was standing there you think he would notice me being uncomfortable the literal tears forming in my eyes and my fidgeting with are telltale signs that I’m literally about to breakdown but no hes literslly the worst parent ever.

See my mom would notice and she’d excuse me from the table and make sure I’m ok and give me a hug and help me out or atleast let me borrow her ohone to call my therapist (my phone doesn’t work unless I have WiFi I know it’s ass)

But anyway they stopped yelling, and then everything went back to me. And my grandma big mama goes “stop talking to her she’s going to crack under pressure” and then my aunt robin goes “she’s a insert last name she’s not a insert last name if she cries like a baby” and I’m just like 😆 now I know not to ever cry in front of y’all ever. Thanks for telling me I’m not even accepted into the family if I express my emotions.

And my dad has this mindset too.

TW: mentions of self harm

When I had cut myself instead of getting meds or trying to idk see if I’m alright my dad decides to threaten to send me to a mental ward if I don’t stop that bullshit. So yay getting scared out of depression so enjoyable so fun so fresh. That conversation is why it was hard for me to tell my therapist. I told her literslly the day I was soging to actually do it 😆😆😆

But anyway they are just sitting there talking about me, and then my uncle gets up and leaves finally. I get up and I sit near the outlet and plug in my phone. My grandma was in the bathroom so I couldn’t go up and cry yet I know tragic.

So I sat there. And my aunt has a mask making buisness to make coin during a global pandemic. And she showed me this pride mask. Which cute do fun so fresh. And she was like “speaking of which what’s your sexuality” and I was like “😀 did this bitch just” And she was really trying to pressure me into telling her like no ma’am. Alexis is not ready to come out, and then she said “what are you ashamed of yourself” and idk the tone that she said it in just sounded so harsh. I don’t like that she tried to force me to tell her. I don’t want to come out because they are so judging and sure maybe she isn’t but I don’t want my dad to know. Only my mom knows and she makes homophobic remarks every now and then but it’s not like homophobic homophobic like for example:

My brother he had screamed “atleast I wasn’t the gay character” and my mom called him into the room and said “hey don’t say that it could offend people. I know you like girls AS YOU SHOULD but other people are different” and sure it’s a minor comment but it’s not the first time she’s said soemthing like that

She was watching atypical and spoiler alert she was at the scene where Cassie kissed izzie. And my mom was like “I hate how they shove this stuff down our throats”

But my mom accepted me and she accepted her brother who is gay so that’s why I told her and she said she’s fine with me marrying a woman so.

Anyway, I run upstairs and go to the bathroom because my aunt said “Alexis looks like a lesbian to my fucking great grandma and I was like “😀” like wtf does that even mean??? Idk why being gay I’d am insult to them, but damn that shit sure did hurt. Because I went upstairs in the bathroom and sobbed. Yes I sobbed. It was such a good cry but I was short lived because my grandma started loooking for me again.

And then I went downstairs and played a card game with my younger cousin and great grandma to try and feel better and it worked slightly, we left and I was so happy to finally leave that sack of negativity. It was ass.

But it gets worse.

Do remeber the campaign I talked about. Well, my friend decided she’s going to be the game master. And I wouldn’t have a problem if she would actually work. And I’ve done more stuff then she had which makes me very upset. We could’ve been starting tomorrow if she had actually tried to work. I made all the npcs, I made the detailed rough plot outline, I helped my friend make a character, I got 2 more people to be involved in our campaign and what did she do? I don’t even fucking know. Like literally she did nothing. And I’m trying to be patient but like what is taking her so long. And it would be different if she would let me help her out but she won’t. It’s both of us who are in charge yet somehow she’s in charger I’m charge and I’m like 😀

And other stuff happened that I don’t really want to talk about because it’s personal and that just made my day 10 times worse. It’s literally ass but toKing about it has helped me clear my thoughts and not be as sad as I was at the beginning of me typing.

I told my friends I’d be taking a break from discord and that when the campaign is ready for her to email me. I just need a little bit of time to myself.

I got a book on forensics and forensics is something that I’m really interested in so I plan on through it researching that but first I have to finish the asylum series and the miss peregrines peculiar Children the tales of the peculiar and then this other 2 part series called the hazel wood. I know “why don’t you just jump into the forensics book” no. Thinks just have to go a certain way or it just feels wrong.

Anyway good vibes only. I know this was all over the place but it’s called rant for a reason. Please just don’t get mad at me I just want positivity.